Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats