Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.