[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work