[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.