*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
You Might Also Like
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My life in a nutshell
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
early stone age tool
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.