*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
every college guy’s fridge
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Feels
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Love is in the air fryer.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
#winning
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Inside you there are two wolves
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.