So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.