“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
s
oc
i
a
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”