*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me if I was a dog
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0