*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened