*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Banana is the quietest snack
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.