*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
🤣could you imagine
fly smarter, not harder
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Not even remotely sorry.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.