*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
damn he’s good
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Breaking news:
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*