*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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True.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I need a headline like this
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
This is enough internet for the day.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.