Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.