Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
All generalizations are stupid.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t