[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice