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@HappyHijabbi: *Puts couch down as emergency contact*
@allisulli: LOL"Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know". Block Block Block Block
@lildandeli0n: Caller: I'm your worst nightmare.
Me: Whaaat?? You're a sugar free cookie??
@AmishPornStar1: Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
@bobvulfov: [standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
@FUN: Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?