*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You Might Also Like
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.