[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”