*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?