*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.