*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
We all have our pet causes.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)