*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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Aaaa…CHOO!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The Friday File.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I think about this a lot
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.