*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.