*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“That’s what” – She
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Children of the corn 🌽
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there