*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!