*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box