*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.