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@ThaJawn: *puts Fitbit on Roomba
*eats crackers with no plate or napkin
@Brampersandon_: BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn't you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?
@Pro_Jones_: Therapist: So what's the problem?
Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo.
Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
@EndhooS: [Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing...
Me: It looks like a crossiant
@underchilde: As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
@3sunzzz: [interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!