My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.