Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??