Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining