[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.