[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare