[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…