@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."

@MethShart: David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@HousewifeOfHell: Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

@robfee: Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would've handed me a mop then beat me with a belt