[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.