[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?