KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You Might Also Like
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.