Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
You Might Also Like
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
The two types of wives
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking