Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
He’s dead
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.