I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My patience has stretch marks.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it