[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
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Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*