I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
You Might Also Like
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Kids, do not try this at home!
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.