[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?