Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money