*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
You Might Also Like
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
lost dog
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.