*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did