*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.