*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head