WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey