*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Found the job I’m suited for
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys