*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you